I had to catch myself last week and stop swirling so much on what was coming next after this. It is a bit of a rare event that I am in position to do that and remind myself to still be here. I tell folks that I am a planner and 99% of the time, I think it is done as a form of self-defence because I can’t say I have always been this person (folks won’t believe how much of a mad hatter I was as a child). I think I got here because a series of life events that made me want to “control” situations and coming events by always planning stuff and covering all sorts of eventualities to be able to avoid the anxiety, pain or disappointment of life kicking you in the butt.
Enough of that introduction. I think the background story to that is enough (I blame TV shows like ‘The Arrow’ and ‘The Originals’ for making me a professor of flashbacks).
And so here we are now, after receiving conviction and message from God to release this control I so badly want to have, which is inevitably just me at some points not trusting that God will have my back enough to do all the things and so I must put counter-measures to ensure that I make stuff get done. I always bring this scripture up because I think it summarises my state of faith, spirit and mind so much a lot of the time.
The thing is I never really took all this post-PhD planning and planning for the future as any sign of me not trusting God. It’s the world and the universe I don’t trust lol so I must do all I feel I can to control that and whatever circumstances come along with it. Yesterday when a verse came to mind about how we know in part and prophesy in part (1st Corinthians 13:9), it humbled me and kinda made me calm down because I realized that we can only “control” so much because we only know stuff to a certain extent and that should be enough to make me wanna chill. I used to literally beg God a lot before to give me the full story of things so that I knew exactly what I was getting into and just how much to invest in certain situations and I would bait him in prayer with these two scriptures; John 13:7 and Psalm 25:14.
I can’t say I have ever really got the full story, but recently God did give me the opportunity to actually understand and appreciate why He was giving me warning messages about certain things before, but this came wayyyy later fam. It was a really a wake-up call to never want to silence or dismiss God when I hear Him, but to just trust. In this scenario of knowing in part and prophesying in part, which I equate to seeing in part, I think God designs things that way to;
- First and foremost, not to overwhelm us with the end story because I have to admit that if I knew certain things before that are happening now, I think I’d be paralysed if not stressed by those revelations and facts. I think God really does give us what He feels is necessary for us to get on for just that stage we are in and I think He has designed things that way so that even as we grapple with what is to come, we focus and do our best to get through what we have today and in front of us until we receive another revelation for the next phase. In Grade 4, most of what you’re learning is to pass just Grade 4 and slightly complement what you will see in Grade 5. Nothing from Grade 7 is suddenly showing up to slap you in the face because there is a time for that (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8). So now just focus on passing Grade 4 like a boss so that you can actually get to Grade 7 and then fidget all you want about that drama (this last sentence really sounds like something that my dad would say but with way more sarcastic and super hilarious undertones. He’d be dissing me and I’d be laughing about it)
- To keep us reliant and trusting in Him that knows all things. Maybe only God in His infinite power is able to handle being all-knowing and as human beings we may have to be okay with knowing in part until we grow and mature enough to a point that we can know more, know better and therefore handle a fuller picture, if not complete revelation of all things to come, that have come and that came (I’m tryna be cool with my English, hello). The verse ‘to whom much is given much is expected’ I think relates to soo many things including knowledge. There is a “burden” that comes with knowledge i.e. for us to act on it, to do better based on what we know and sometimes that requires a certain form of maturity so that we can steward the revelations we receive well. As we excel with what know, God adds on to that and revels even more us and I think that what it means in the verse follow-up verse of 1st Corithians 13:10, that as the perfect/complete story comes, that partial word we received goes and with that should ideally be the way in which we act. There will be a point where God will tell us more us, show us and probably give us the whole shebang and I believe that the expectation is that we ourselves grow/graduate to match the same level of the revelation we have just received so that we can use that knowledge. ISSA sermon ladies and gentlemen and I never even meant to get here.
After that whirlwind of a commercial break (should just call it what it is; an impromptu sermon), I just want to say that I am looking at being present here and in the now, enjoying and properly dealing with what is in front of me as a grapple gracefully and steadily with what is to come. The task is to write these publications and get through this thesis and steadily work my way into preparing for the working world, but I can’t really get there before dealing with this and so the plan is to ask God now on what is needed to get through this well and trust that what I receive is starting material for the next phase. I hope and pray that I can commit to the process of growth right now so that I am able to take hold, fully receive and act on the word from God that is to come, Amen.
Yohh, this has been A LOT but also super therapeutic for me because ya girl was going through the most and needed to not only release things to make her heart lighter, but also make sense of what seemed to be a tornado of emotions.
mwebazavanessa 